Tale of the Pinball Wizard Part I

Tale of the Pinball Wizard Part II

Tale of the Pinball Wizard Part III

When I mention AYAOTD (Because really what else is worth talking about?) people always say, “Oh remember the one with the pinball machine?” Hell yes I do! It is a classic and I’m going to review it!

Is he wearing Lacoste? Bored girl with bangs even sucks when at rest face.

The scene opens with David, uni-browed sex god, trying to get the “key” on a Game Boy. He looks crazed ya’ll! Annoying kid pushed the “reset” button. Frank grabs it out of his hand hot blond girl is all “Games are dumb!” Lezzie Kiki is all “No, games like softball and golf are awesome!” Then killjoy Gary grabs the Game Boy. Says some shit, and you can just smell the moral tale is a comin’ round the bend. 

Ross is this tale’s protagonist. He is um, well he is dumb. He’s not the sharpest knife in the crayon box. He reminds me of every boy ever in middle school. He loves him some pinball and hangs around the mall, looking for quarters. Quarters were things that used to have value that you put into slots and then games happened. He even fights homeless women for quarters. Guess his parents don’t give him a $20, drop him off, and tell him to have a gay ol’ time. Memories, amiright?

Num-nums! Kinda a fashionable hoboken no?

He also likes to hang around a shop that sells…pottery? Really, the prop people just throw any ol’ thing to make this place to look shop-y. Mr. Olson, no relation to Mary-Kate or Ashley, owns this “shop.”

Like that guy isn’t going to come alive…

Ross spots a really cool pinball machine in the back. Old man Olson is like no touchy. It’s a collector’s item. Collector of what I ask you?!? Ya’ll this machine is looking busted.

Regretsy.

Ross really wants a job at Paint a Pottery and convinces Mr. Olson to give him a trial run, but under no circumstances is he to fiddle with the pinball machine! Of course, Ross, whose nails are ridic long (coke addict say what) starts to play this game that has: zombies, witches and princesses! Which cliche doesn’t belong? 

You know you are hot if you came of age in the early 90’s and…she just pretty ya’ll…

A pretty young thang named Sophie waltzes into the shop to pick-up her music box. Her music box? This is never addressed. Like it’s a normal thing for a not baby to have a throne shaped music box. Anywho, Ross fumbles about. She leaves empty handed. Ross goes back to playing the zombie-princess game.

He looses track of time and realizes that the mall is completely closed. Looting time! Oh, but then it rains quarters (the valuable thingies mentioned previously)! Ross takes it in stride and stuffs his acid-washed pantalonies. 

Oh noes! Really well-dressed zombies (looking sharp dudes!) start surrounding him and are like “Watch me go,go, go. You silly broke hoes (potledom)!”. Zombies. Where have I seent those before? Suddenly, Sophie, in a fetching velvet blue frock, screams from above! A one-eyed dude is restraining her, but she still manages to drop a key and mumble something about a tiara. I want one too! Every lady needs a tiara.

This looks rapey in a screenshot. It was less scary on youtube.

Ross, maybe not so dumb, realizes zombies HATE water. Splash, splash, those zombies take a bath. Ross runs to the lockers in the mall. Because, who wouldn’t run up to something so weird? Lockers. In a mall. He opens a few and one locker is bulemic and pukes on him. 

SLIMED!

He finds the “tiara” aka Sophie’s hairband. I wonder what a scrunchie would turn into? Once he nabs that fabulous hair accessory the escalator starts up. (I have a fear of my hair or shoelace getting caught in an escalator. Thanks 20/20! This is why I’m bald and only wear velcro shoes.) Once on the second floor, his pocket full posies, I mean quarters, turn into marbles. 

Sophie screams and lures him to that secret back room in malls you always see on t.v. shows. Sophie really needs to stop shrieking and stop being such a stereotypical princess (needs a man, tiara, music box, speed). Oh well, AYAOTD is not in a gender-bender mood today.

Some creepy witch cackles and blows her stank witch breath into Ross’s face, causing him to drop the tiara. Score for witchy woman!

Ross then finds Sophie all tied up with no place to go in Olson’s shop. Ross still no gets that it’s the pinball game. They grab that ridiculous throne music box and scoot as a goon with a mace (it’s a food group, ya’ll) tries to smash them. Goon grabs the music box. Music is important, even for the developmentally challenged!

Witchy appears and Ross uses marbles to trip her up, literally. One-eyed Jack grabs pretty Sophie and stows her away, as cyclops are known to do. Ross gets music box back. It actually turns into a real-ass throne.

Now here is some serious controversy. The throne starts moving really quickly, but you can see well, you can see someone pushing it. Was this purposeful? I am going with no because the goon pushing it pops out like, “Surprise!” and makes Ross go to the first level. AYAOTD needs to maximize it’s resources. It’s a recession ya’ll.

Blah, blah Ross smashes open a glass case holding some really obviously spray-painted Super Soakers.

He gets his ass back up to the third level, and just sprays the shit out of the villains. POOF! But then One-eyed Jack knocks the Soaker out of his hand. Bummer.

All seems lost until Ross surprises Jack with a mini-Soaker! Ross crowns Sophie, gets a lame cheek kiss, and is back on level one?!?

Ross looks up to find Mr. Olson looking down. Well, hello there. Mr. Olson informs him that he will be playing the game forever. Just then, a giant pinball starts rolling down the escalator. Ross says, “Uh-oh.” Truer words never spoken. The end.

It’s so twisted that no one wants the Game Boy at the end of the story. Go Gary! Intellect over brawn. Basically, the writer’s came up with this after their kids starting playing too many video games. Whatevs! This story is still so awesome. Ross did not deserve to play pinball for eternity. It would be even awesomer if he was stuck in Mortal Kombat! Or Mario Bros! I smell a sequel!!!