The Tale of the Forever Game Part I
The Tale of the Forver Game Part II
Have you ever seen Jumanji? Well, this has nothing to do with that. This is called “The Tale of the Forever Game.” If there are any similarities, well there’s not so hush my sweet child.
Nickelodeon went fucking cray cray and cancelled AYAOTD in 1993. I’m not sure what I did that year, but it’s all a blur so I’m assuming I turned to wine coolers to dull the pain. Nickelodeon got its marbles back and revamped the show in 1999. Good thinking! Except they have a new cast and I’m suspicious of all things new. Except Tucker is the new Gary, and he’s is h-o-t.
Tucker’s cohorts are um, kinda young for him? Not to speak ill of Canadians, but he seems like he stopped by the local hockey rink and grabbed the first however many people are in the cast. Oh, he also stopped by the kid whoring academy and picked up Elisha Cuthbert. She’s the new hot piece. Vange is the new Kiki: Ethnic, chip on shoulder-ish, horrible dresser, but clearly all gooey inside. Quinn is black. Andy is fat. Tahhh-dahhhh! Midnight Society 2.0.
I gots a secret! You are actually going to be famous and I’m not. I hates you!
Where the hells is I?
If that didn’t work, you can tell it’s update by the new sped-up themesong. It’s like this: Dun, dun, dunnn un unnnn. But really fast.
Whoosh, onto Tucker’s tale. Peter, Mark and Monica are what else, biking in Canada. Peter shares half his genetic makeup with Monica and got 100% of the dick gene. Dick must be found on the Y chromosome. He’s one of those mansplainers-:He is incredibly condescending, rude and treats you like an asshole even though you know more things than him. Of course, mansplainers do things like make you go down an uncharted bike path.
Actually, road bikes work better on tough terrain. Did you know girls have smaller brains than me?
It’s not true. But I’m afraid of alpha males, so I’ll just whisper to you.
This foreboding path has a very prominent and prop-looking tree. Strange thing is no matter how much they bike to get off the path, they still pass the same tree. This goes on for several harrowing minutes. Peter Pumpkin Eater and the A-team split up and search for an alternate way out. While Monica and Mark are away, Peter tries to give the tree a hand job and falls inside. This is what happens when a splinter enters your BRAIN:
Oh yeah, I live in this tree.
Nathaniel is the quintessential old man trapped in a hot young body. (This is called foreshadowing so remember this.) What is up with those suspenders? I thought only Larry King and people from like, 100 years ago wearthose. (Remember this too!) He is hot to trot about playing this Forever Game, which honestly is so cheap looking it’s more like a Right Now Game. Oh yeah, I went there.
Peter notices he can see Monica and Mark looking for him inside the game. He thinks this is cool. Sure, this is normal. Let the game begins. Spinny spin spin, Nathaniel lands on potpourri. This makes God pour flowers on Mark and Monica. Monica is like, identifying the flowers. FREAK. “Oh this is roseus petroneus and laverdours exum.”
Pete is up and lands on lightning/rain clouds. His dick gene makes him pick lightning. God hurls lightning on Markica. Then another spin and another. Finally, the Burden Beast is released. It’s this guy and once he’s unleashed, he goes nowheres, FORVER. A herpe of the Big Foot variation.
You may be expecting a pic of this sexy beast. Well, this is just a hobby and it was way too hard to find a screen grab on youtube during my lunch break from my grown-ass job. Use google.
This is when Nathaniel (What an old fashioned name.) decides to reveal the rub: There’s only one victor of this game. To the winner, the spoils! To the loser, staying in a tree! Wonder how long Nathaniel has been in there?
Monica distracts the beast with her sexy fanny pack. It’s not just an ironic fashion statement by hipsters, it’s burden bait.
Pete lands on the quicksand piece and Mark goes down. Does quicksand really exist? I’ve only seen it here and on Super Mario Brothers 3. Monica saves Mark using a tree branch. Smart gurl.
Nathaniel then lands on darkness, and lights out! Sucks to be chased by a beast of burden at night. They are nocturnal you know. Now you do!
Pete spins the wheel and has a choice to either switch places with his sister or friend, or go back 15 spaces. He decides to go back 15 spaces. Ohhh, what a good guy. Barf. Nathaniel is thisclose to winning but isn’t there quite yet. Pete lands on some lightning. Monica and Mark get wise to the game. They hug the tree and lightning kills it right before the beast attacks.
Swooosh! Pete is released from the tree and so is…..some old guy wearing suspenders? OMG! WTF! That is Nathaniel? He’s been there since 1929? Don’t worry, he’s going back to his old neighborhood. Because that will be healthy. “Oh, the Smiths? They died one billions years ago.”
I’ll be fine! You crazy kids get on home now.
If this is any indication of the new AYAOTD, I’m excited. However, I seent the “Tale of the Laser Maze” and it’s not looking good.
Submitted for your approval by Alex.